Mind > Matter / by Katie Alyce

I’m going to keep it one hundred percent honest, and admit that I have an issue with depression. Often times I feel alone, and of no importance. This is not a permanent feeling, I know that it is temporary. However, I will still let it effect me. I always try to psyche my mind into believing that everything, is in fact, alright. But I won’t let myself. I’ll ponder and ponder on situations of the future, right now, and my past. It is self-inflicted pain. It is self-inflicted thoughts. The first part of being “real”, has to be being real enough to admit your flaws. I want to help myself so bad, but I will still make irrational decisions. I will allow my emotions to make my decisions before I even exercise my mind. My life is suppose to be the most important thing to me, and I will waste time on people, things, and past times that do not matter more than my future. I also suffer from feeling alone all of the time. I have a lot of acquaintances but only two consistent friends that I talk to on a daily, let alone weekly, basis. I don’t mind being alone literally, I actually enjoy spending time alone. My problem is the lack of interaction. Nobody checks on me, nobody inquires about how I am. Which means I do not cross people’s minds. Yes, some people will probably read that and think I am shallow. But, really pick apart what I just said. I feel like I do not cross people’s minds, I am not thought of, I am not considered. These are real ass feelings. I know who my real friends are, and I know we all have lives. Even with knowing this I will allow myself to feel alone. I feel like I am living in a routine, and my creativity is coming in second. I think, feel, imagine, and desire just like anyone else. I really have things that I have seen in my mind that I want to bring to life. I don’t share that with many people. I hate the thought of announcing something just to not live up to the hype. So, instead I keep them harbored until they actually come to fruition. I don’t spend enough time on my dreams, I don’t dedicate myself to my goals. I passively live in my routine and keep my bright ideas hidden, and untouched. That shit has to stop. I have to stop letting things distract me. I have to be the most important thing to me. Not money, not love, not materials. Me, who I am as a living, thinking human. I have a soul, I have a conscious, I have a brain. I want to be strong enough to use myself to fight my moments of feeling low. Please do not let the internet fool you. I try to post as generally as possible because I know that outsiders really don’t care about hearing you rant on their timeline. That’s why I have created this place of my own to vent, without shoving it down my followers throats. I don’t want to be naive enough to think I won’t ever experience loneliness or depression, but I want to master how to push myself through these points. This freehand, however, was a great start. I need to get these thoughts out, I need to share them.

 

Retrospect

I call myself a writer, but I don’t write. I talk, often times too aggressive. I don’t mean to, but I still do it. It’s never right. I do not justify my flaws at this point. I need to fix them all, in moderation. What’s worse than being ignorant? Knowing all and still showing no change. My logic tells me the right thing to do all the time then my emotions create a conflict and I always follow my “heart”. It’s gotten me in nothing but trouble for as long as I’ve lived and have had to experience that decision. I’ve been called smart, I’ve been called stupid, by more than one person so it’s time to really let that marinate. I don’t want to give anybody the chance to question my intellect or ability to think for myself. I’ve done more harm to myself than I can blame my parents, relatives, or loved ones for. I’ve got the surface definitions of a woman; decent place, steady job, transportation. But am I really a woman? Do I transcend the requirements of being a woman? Not even close. I’ve got to stop acting like a hot-headed temperamental girl. I can see myself, I envision her. Who I want to be at 27, where I want to be at 30. I understand gracefulness, respect, and morals but I don’t practice them in every single situation. It shouldn’t be conditional. I want to be proud of who I am as an individual. The core of me has to be pure, at all times. I have to break that barrier we spoke of. Some thing is blocking me and we can’t fathom how. I’m planning to blossom, and I need to focus on what I can actively do myself, for myself, now. Not tomorrow.